So, after last week’s video, some of yoos wrote to me to say yoos were all worried about me n’ my “loneliness”. Let me just say here and now, the Rubinman is NOT lonely. Not when he has his main man Almeida in the house, anyway…

(NOTE: Parental advisory! Some scenes may not be suitable for small chhildren!)

This is Ted. Now, I know what yoos are thinkin’. Yoos are all, "Great bear, Rubinman - orange is SO your colour!" The thing is, though, Ted is NOT a great bear. In fact, me and Ted, we don’t talk. We’re just not down with each other. Also: he’s totally mental.

Ted, you see, is Amber’s bear. Yes, Amber has a bear. I know! It’s like, how old is she, four? Actually, Amber is WAY old, and so is Ted. This makes Ted a bit of an ass, really, because he totally thinks he’s, like, IN CHARGE of all the toys in the house, you know? Also, he thinks he’s in charge of me, and that right there shows you how totally mental Ted is because NO ONE IS THE BOSS OF THE RUBINMAN.

Ted thinks he is, though. He’s been alive for as long as Amber, and Amber’s been alive since FOREVER, so he’s all, "Respect your elders, young Rubin me lad, waffle, waffle, waffle." Idiot. I don’t even know why Amber has him, I really don’t, because it’s like, what does she DO with him? I haven’t ONCE seen Amber pick Ted up in her teeth and throw him around the room by the scruff of his neck, and that’s totally what I’d do with him. Then I’d throw him out the house and tell him to never show his sorry orange ass round here again. And he would listen because he would be scared of me.

Let this be a warning to all yoos orange-ass bears out there. For real.

RUBIN

   TENNIS BALL ON LEGS! I gotta TENNIS BALL ON LEGS! Do you see the TENNIS BALL ON LEGS? Do you?! DO YOU?! Damn, you SO wish you were me, dontchya? Well you’re not, OK? Suck it up, dudes.

So, yeah, I got me a tennis ball on legs. Actually, it was my Norma and John what got me it, and they got me it because it was my “burfday” last week. I was, like, the “Burfday Boy” and stuff.

Things I Got For My Burfday:

• One TENNIS BALL ON LEGS - My Norma and John
• One rawhide SHOE that I’m pretty sure came right outta my Christmas stocking, that I hadn’t eaten yet - Amber
• One rawhide LOLLIPOP, that I’m ALSO sure came from “Santa” - Amber
• Nothing - Terry

Yeah, so I guess SOMEONE should be feelin’ pretty ashamed of himself right now. huh? And it’s not the Tennis Ball on Legs, put it that way.

Anwyays, that was my Burfday, and although I’m lookin quite serious in that photo up there (ALSO: did ya notice that I’ve started growin’ me another set of HORNS again? Well I have. A mad Rubinman I am, I am.) I wasn’t. No, me n’ the Tennis Ball on Legs were totally partyin’ like it was 1999 and stuff, and then, what I did was, I got carried away and I totally ripped out that dumb tennis ball’s head:

Now I don’t got the Tennis Ball on Legs no more, but it’s like, I got the memories, you know?

Buh-bye, TBOL. It was good ripping your brains out knowin ya.

Rubin

Well, I was right: they done sent me to Las Vegas, folks.

The thing about that, though? They sent Almeida with me.

Now, for those of yoos who don’t know, this is Almeida (named after the great Tony Almeida, no less.):

Now, I know what yoos are thinkin’. He’s a big boy, is Almeida. He’s, like, almost as big as ME (note: NO ONE is ACTUALLY as big as me, though). That’s why me n’ Almeida are special friends, if you get my drift, and that’s also why when we pulled up at Las Vegas (which, seriously, is only about 20 minutes from my house, which just goes to show that it REALLY IS a small world after all, people), I was all, “OMG, they’ve booked me n’ Almeida into a hotel for the weekend!” And they had.

I mean, it wasn’t that great, to be honest. Like I said, I’ve been there before, and I totally don’t rate the Las Vegas, I really don’t. This time round I thought I’d picked up some tips from Amber and Terry, so when the guy came round with my dinner I was all, “I’ll have the Grande Buffet, thanks, and so will my man Almeida. Anythin’ he doesn’t eat, the Rubinman’ll take care of, you get me?” But I don’t know why I even bothered because, it was like, they still brought me DOG FOOD?

Anyway, after two nights, my Norma and John turned up and took me home with them and I was like, THANK GOD FOR THAT, MAN. I get treated WAY better at my Norma and John’s house than I do at home, and I get away with more stuff, too. This one time? I snuck under my John’s chair and did me a pee, and - get this: THEY WERE LOOKIN’ RIGHT AT ME WHEN I DID IT! I, like pretended I was just goin’ for a lie down, but really I was doin’ me a pee, and man, how me n’ Almeida laughed after THAT, I’ll tell you!

Anyways, so two weeks go by and suddenly A & T turn up, all santanned and stuff, and - get this - they’re STILL talkin’ about that stupid wedding, which was crazy really because, it’s like, they can keep on talking about, but it still won’t make it interesting, you know what I mean? So, they take me home, and I’m all, “This sucks, I want to go and live with my Norma and John again, they got better sweeties,” but then A & T give me my presents that they brought me back from their “honeymoon” and it’s all OK again because lookit what it is! It’s a blue camel, dudes - a BAMEL! Have YOU got a BAMEL in your life? Didn’t think so.

(They also brought me back something else, but it’s like, I’m still too angry to speak about it, so that’ll haveta wait for another day. Smell yas!)

Rubin.

Yo peeps, s’up? Rubinman in da house…

So, at the weekend it was Amber’s "birthday", but guess who got presents? YES, it was ME - the Rubinman got presents, and let me tell you, that’s exactly the way it should be, because do you know what Amber and Terry got me for MY "birthday"? NOTHING, that’s what. NOTHING. Anyways, it’s like, they totally got me a present for Amber’s "birthday" and this is what it was:

YES! It’s a BLING COLLAR! A "BLOLLAR!" Got me a BLOLLAR and damn, but I look mighty fine in my Blollar, let me tell you. I’d show you, but it’s like, I’m keepin’ it for special occassions, like when I take Amber out for a walk and we haveta go past all me bitches in the street. For real. And also: because my hairs are so WILD, you can’t really see the Blollar too good. Still, I got one, and, you know, that’s more than you got, so there.

Now, I know what you’re thinkin’ about me n’ my BLOLLAR. Yoos are all, "Nancy boy got a gold collar with SPARKLY BITS on it! First he gets a PINK BOWL then he gets a freakin’ BLOLLAR, what is he, some kind of sissy?" Well, the Rubinman is NOT a sissy, and I’ll tell yoos how I know. Lookit this: does HE look like a sissy to you?

No, I didn’t think so. It’s my man 50 Cent - note the BLOLLAR. Yeah, old 50 Cent, he got his BLOLLAR on back to front, but that’s ‘cos he is NO WAY as cool as the Rubinman. He’ll learn. In the meantime, I’m off to strut my stuff show off my ice, ice baby. Smell yas!

Rubin

I got a PINK DONKEY. A PONKY!

Actually, I’m going to just come clean: I got TWO ponkies, and the reason I got two ponkies was that the first one… well, the first one was an IMPOSTOR Ponky. For real.

I blame myself. My Norma had gone to "Ikea" with A&T, and she brought back this dude:

Now, I admit it, I got carried away. There was a rush to judgement. Soon as I seen it: pink, big ears, smilin’, I was just like, "Oh man, a PONKY!" I couldn’t BELIEVE it, and, well, basically I was right not to believe it, because it wasn’t a freakin ponky at all - it was a RABBIT.

Yeah, yeah, I know what y’all are thinkin. Yoos are all, "easy mistake to make, Rubinman - I mean, who HASN’T seen a rabbit and thought it was a donkey?" Well, sure, YOU LOT could easily make the mistake, but for a professional like myself to confuse a rabbit with a PONKY - well, that’s just shameful.

I mean, it’s not the Ponky’s rabbit’s fault. By the time I realised he was Not a Ponky, I’d been throwin that dude all over the place, chasin him, playing with him - me n’ him were like THAT. So I decided to keep him, and everything was cool, and then today… today Terry gets in his "car" and drives away, and the next thing I know, he’s back with THIS:

Now, THAT’s a Ponky for ya. That there is a REAL Ponky. If ever you need to know whether you got yourself a PONKY or a rabbit, you just check out this here picture and that’ll tell you for sure. (And don’t say I’m not good to you. Where else could you get free advice on Ponky-spotting? Only from the Rubinman…) I couldn’t BELIEVE it! I mean, on Friday I had NO PONKIES and now I have TWO! I bet there’s not a single one of you can say that. Obviously Terry had been Ponky-hunting. Who woulda thunk it? I had no idea he even knew where to find a ponky. Hee! I totally rule. Me an m’ponkies.

Don’t even LOOK at my ponkies. They’re MY ponkies. Rubinman does not share!

I’ve got something you’ve not got! I got a PURPLE PUPPET! Man, I bet you’re all totally jealous. No wonder I look smug:

(That thing right behind me, by the way? The CAGE? That’s what Amber and Terry call my “Den” and I call “Azkaban.” That’s where I live now. The nice, COW print bed I’m sitting in here? Just for show. So that Amber and Terry can pretend like they don’t make me the prisoner of AZKABAN every night. Muppets.)

Anyway, in not-so-good news, we have a GREEN THING living in our spare room –>

For those of you who’ve never seen one, it’s called a "Pepe" and you get them from Terry’s mum’s house. My advice is to not get one, though, because they’re, like, really, really annoying. A & T are always talking to it for one thing and - get this - it TALKS BACK to them. It talks complete LUBBISH, of course, but still… when it does it A&T look all pleased, like the Pepe’s been dead clever or something. Like, big deal! I talk ALL the time. Yesterday I barked like a maniac for five minutes straight and what do I get? "Baaaad Rubin! Baaaad!." Hmph. I even heard Amber telling the Pepe it was a "pretty boy" yesterday. OK, I’M the pretty boy around here, lets get that straight. I do NOT appreciate being usurped by a Pepe. No way. Stupid lubbish bird.

Yeah.

Ha!

Didn’t think you’d see ME again, did you? Ha! Y’all thought the Rubinman was finished. That you’d never see his like again. Well, think again, people! The Rubinman is back, better than ever before, and he is calling his followers to him. Ho yes.

So, did ya miss me? You better have missed me or I’ll come and bite you on the bum, every last one of you. I have SO much to tell you. It’s, like, so much happened while I was away, but at the same time, nuthin’ happened. You dig? (Heh, I certainly do ;))

Anyway, the most significant thing that happened was that my Norma and John went flying through the sky to that "Yew Ess Ay" place they’re always goin’ to. Now, I don’t know what this Yew Ess Ay is, but I think it’s like, a big mall or something? Because, like, when they come back from there, they always bring me MILLIONS of stuff.

This time round they brought me a HAIRY BONE from the Yew Ess Ay. Let me show you what happens to Hairy Bones around here:

Amber gives me Hairy Bone. Note damage sustained during a previous round of "Rubin v. Hairy Bone"

The battle commences.
Is it just me, or does my head look big in this?

I, like, totally wipe the floor with him.
Note: it was Amber that ACTUALLY had to wipe the floor. The Rubinman is no one’s slave.

Yup, I showed that sucker. Rawr!

Anyway, don’t tell my Norma and John this, because I think they want to surprise me and stuff, but I think they bought me a CAR, too. Reasons for me thinking this: I heard them all talking, and Amber was like, "What kind of car did you get?" and John was like, "Chevy Impala" and Amber was like, "cool", and I was like: O-O

I mean, I can’t BELIEVE they bought me a car. Actually, scratch that: I can totally believe they bought me a car. I just can’t believe no one thought of it before now. I wonder when I’ll get it. Man, I’ll totally rock in that there car. I’ll be, like, too cool for school and stuff.

Anyway, yeah. I’ll be updating this thing a LOT now, so y’all better keep checking back to read me. Remember what happened to Hairy Bone…

Ciao for now,
Rubin