Actually, let’s not be modest here, folks. I don’t just BELIEVE I can fly: I KNOW I can fly. Lookit:
SEE? I can totally fly. Like Superman, only better.
Just in case yoos are wonderin’, no Terry is not helping me in this picture. Ha, like he even could! Terry wouldn’t know how to fly if a book called HOW TO FLY came and bit him on the ass. It’s just me what can do it. Yes, your Rubinman has superpowers! Other superpowers I’ve got: ability to pee on the washing machine more often than you would believe possible, barking at the kind of pitch that would make you deaf, saving the world. Yoos can thank me later for that last one. For now, just know that the Rubinman is here, watching over yoos. In fact, when you go to sleep at night, I am hovering over your bed JUST LIKE IN THE PICTURE.
I bet yoos are all totally freaked out now, no? Don’t worry, I know it’s not every day you see a flying WOLF and all, but rest assured that the Rubinman uses his superpowers for good rather than evil. Most of the time.
It’s come to my attention that Amber and Terry seem to be expecting me to pee outside ALL THE TIME. I mean, not just the occasional alfresco pee, we’re talking all outside, all the time i.e. I NEVER get to pee in the house ever again.
Reasons for me thinking this:
1. When I go outside I get called a "good boy" and I normally get a little something for my trouble, like a sweetie or something 2. When I go INSIDE I get the whole "baaaaad boy" thing and they give me NOTHING
Does anyone else think this is just NOT FAIR?
They don’t pee in the garden. I’ve never once seen Them pee in the garden. They always use the bathroom. Always. I use the bathroom, what happens? "Baaaad boy". *Sigh* I don’t think this is even ABOUT where I pee. I think it’s pretty much a case of "two legs good, four legs ‘baaaad’." I think you see where I’m going with this.
Well I’m not backing down, sweetie or no sweetie. Yesterday morning, while Amber was drying her hair, I crept into the bathroom and crapped on the floor. Heeee!
And another thing, just while I’m on the subject of the bathroom: why is it "cute" when the Andrex puppy unravels a whole toilet roll, but why I do it it’s suddenly NOT? *disgusted*
GOD. My life is SO hard right now, let me tell you. I’m like, stressed to the MAXX here, you know what I mean? Seriously, I’m “run ragged”. I’m, like, up at 7am every morning to get in some solid barking time before breakfast, then once They’re up, I have to totally beg ALL DAY for food. ALL DAY, people. Yes, the Rubinman is a beggar. I know! SO unfair and you might say thet hey, They would probably feed me anyway, even if I didn’t beg, but, it’s like, how can I take that risk? So I beg all day, then I have to take Amber for a walk, and then I have to beg some more for TREATS.
No one understands how hard it is being me. It’s like, you know that song what the Beatles wrote? The one where they’re all “Oooh, it’s been a hard days night and I’ve been working like a DOG”? Yeah, right, sure yoos have. Nancy boys wouldn’t know a hard day’s night if a hard day’s night came right up to them and BIT THEM ON THE BUMs. And as for workin’ like a dog, it’s like, yoos come and swap places with the Rubinman for ONE DAY, John, Paul, George and Ringo, THEN we’ll talk, hmmm’kay?
Now, I know what yoos all are thinkin’. Yoos are all, "OMG he gotta SISSY GIRL BOWL!" Well, shows what yoos know, eh? Yeah, OK, personally I would’ve preferred the bowl in red because people are, like, always telling me that red is SO my colour, and they are totally right about that, but actually, the Rubinman can carry off any colour really. When you’re as fierce and scary as I am, ain’t no pink bowl in the WORLD can make you look like a sissy. Also, the pink bowl has a crown on it, and that is because I am totally doggie royalty. For real.
Anyway, as you can tell by the "buying of the bowl", Amber and Terry are liking me again, and that’s because I’ve toned it down a bit with the whole peeing in the house thing. Any more would’ve been overkill, you know what I’m saying? Also, it’s more effective if I lull them into a false sense of security for a while and then BAM! Pee on the kitchen floor! Hee! Anyway, they get over excited when I’m REALLY bad, so I haveta watch it sometimes.
So, got me a new blog. Lookit! Same as the old blawg really, only nice and spanky and new. Also: red, like my stupid-ass red coat (which, by the way, don’t even talk to me about that because winter’s a comin’ and so’s the red coat, you know what I’m sayin’?)
Anyway, yeah, shiny new red blawg. Rubinman is back in business, oh yes he is, and I bet y’all are wondering what he’s been doing while he’s been gone? A LOT is the answer to that. Because I am cunning like a fox, though, the main thing I’ve been doing is I’ve been PEEING right under A&T’s noses. Right. Under. Their. Noses. I kid you not.
There they’ll be, sitting staring at the stupid computer boxes. There I’ll be, lurking, waitin’ for the right moment. Then the moment comes, and what I’ll do is, I’ll sneak under Amber’s chair and I’ll do me a pee. They have NO IDEA - no idea AT ALL, right up until one of them sniffs the air and is all, “Wait - what’s that funny smell?” Hee! Total genius, right there, and the best thing about it? It’s too late for them to give me a row! I pee completely free of punishment - peein’ for free, that’s me. God, I crack myself up sometimes I really do.
Oh yeah, and I totally sleep in their bed now, and ain’t nothin’ they can do about it. Hee!
We have new people next door. There’s some guy who looks like Harry Potter, and there’s a fat kid who’s scared of me. Hee! I mean, I can’t blame him really - I can be quite terrifying until you get to know me. You only have to look at me. Anyway, as soon as they moved in I went into the back garden and barked at them, let them know who’s boss. It’s best they start off knowing there’s a WOLF next door…
So anyways, took Amber for a quick walk at lunchtime today because quite frankly she could be doing with the exercise, but god, what a nightmare…
We got to the end of the street. Everything was fine, Amber was safely attached to the string-thing, I’m having a good smell of everything. On the corner of the street was a van. In the driver’s seat of the van was a dog. A HUGE dog. It was, like, the size of a BEAR or something. Well, as soon as it seen me, it went for me. It was barking, slobbering, throwing itself against the window, everything. What a freakin CLOWN! Hee! It obvioulsy felt really threatened by me, which is understandable, I mean, you only need to look at me…
Anyway, I may not know much, but I know that dogs who drive VANS are bad news. To start with I was like, “bring it on pal”, but I had to think about Amber - I mean, I’d have happily taken it on, but Amber would have been scared (in fact, she looked quite scared anyway) so I did the only thing I could do in the circumstances - I turned and RAN. I turned and ran right into a WALL.
God, how embarrassing. I’m sure that freakin idiot was LAUGHING at me. Anyway, I managed to get Amber the hell out there, but our walk was ruined. Then it started to rain, so we went home. Amber was all, “oooh, Rubin, you were so brave, you’re a good boy!” I was like, “whatever.” But it was true.
In my time, I’ve often been described as a "dirty dog". Indeed, there are those who have described me as a "filthy dog", and still others who have called me a "BAAAAD BOY", or a "dirty wee b******d". But those people are WRONG my friends, for the Rubinman, he is as clean and as pure as the driven snow. I mean, I even brush my freaking TEETH:
I know what yoos are thinkin’, by the way. Y’all are like, "no way is the Rubinman actually using that brush, he’s just posing with it little a stupid sissy dog." But you are WRONG. See?
Ha! Watch me go! I hope this clarifies the whole "Just a dog" rumour that goes around about me, people. Oh yeah, you think I don’t know, but let me tell you, the Rubinman knows ALL. I know, for example, that they are planning on sending me to "Las Vegas" for A&T’s wedding, and y’know what? I’m starting to doubt that place even IS Las Vegas. It’s like, I didn’t see no Elvis when I was there, y’hear what I’m sayin’?
Anyway, just take note here: if I can brush my teeth like a human, you just don’t know WHAT else the Rubinman can do. Just a thought for you.
So, not a lot happenin’. Terry still mad as a brush. He’s, like, totally obsessed with my PAWS. "Give me a paw," he’ll say, a few times a day. I mean, why? What does he want my paw for? "Get your own paw," I always feel like saying, but once I’ve handed over the paw he always make a big fuss of me, and sometimes I get a sweetie, so I put up with it. MAD, though. And another thing: what’s with the whole "Sit - stand - lie down" routine that he keeps making me go through? I mean, you don’t see me walking up to him and going, "Hi Terry - SIT! Now LIE DOWN!" do you? So why does he do it to me? Because he’s MAD, that’s why.
I could not BELIEVE it. Every single winter this happens. Every single winter. (Note: one winter it didn’t happen but, it’s like, who’s counting? Answer: me.)
I mean, how many wolves have you seen wearing a RED COAT recently? One wolf? Two wolves? Or maybe how about NO WOLVES? Yeah, thought so. The things I have to do to get a walk around here.
So, anyways, I get the RED COAT on and I take Amber for her walk, and as we pass this building site thing, I notice that the workmen are all, "oooh, lookit the little poodle!" I mean, I didn’t think anything off it at first; I just assumed they were talkin’ about Amber and, well, yeah, she totally IS a bit of a poodle sometimes. It was only when I heard one of them go, "yeah, lookit its little red coat!" that I realised they were talkin’ about ME.
Now, let’s just get one thing straight right now. I am NOT a poodle. I am a Bichon Frise, and let me tell you, there is a BIG difference. See?
Poodle:
Bichon Frise:
I just get so sick of it, y’know? I mean, here I am, fierce and wild, and they got me dressed in a freakin RED COAT and builders are callin’ me a POODLE. I am SO not happy about this. I think someone’s shoes may be in for a little surprise tonight, let me tell yoos.
(note: there’s still only just one of me, I just gave ya two pictures, so there’s more of me to love)
Now, I know what y’all are thinkin. You’re all, "Oh God, no! Is that some kind of a devil dog or somethin?" Why yes, yes it is. I am the madcrazy Devil Dawg ™ and I’m comin to get yoooouuu! Hee!
Heh. Amber and Terry better WATCH IT now. See, my horns give me special powers. Special MAGIC powers - magic powers so secret that I can’t even tell ya or I’d havata kill every last one of you. OK I’ll tell you: it’s the power to drive Terry’s car. Every night I steal that baby and I go cruisin for french poodles.
Ha! I got you there, didn’t I? You were all, "hmmm, well, he does have horns, now… I dunno, maybe he can drive…." Of course I can’t freakin drive! I’m a DOG, fer crying out loud - what are you, stupid? Heh. Nah, actually it’s the power to eat cats whole. This week? Seven cats. That’s right - seven. I would say eight but the last one was kinda scrawny - kinda like the cat you can eat between meals without ruining your appetite, it wasn’t worth mentioning. Seven cats, though, I kid you not…
