That stupid rubbish bird is back again. I mean, it’s like, what’s a wolf got to do to get some peace round here? Last time it came I totally scared it witless, of course, so this time what dsoes it do? It brings "backup", that’s what.  Yeah, it’s gotta accomplice. The accomplice is this "tortoise" and man, but it is ARMED. It’s like, totally covered in armour, it’s THAT scared of me! Hee! And, like, when it sees me? It goes and hides inside its armour. Stupid rubbish tortoise. Not feeling so brave now, Pepeman, are you? Ha! Lookit the terror on its face in this picture. I’ve, like, climbed up its basket and it’s all, "No, Rubinman, don’t hurt me!"

Obviously, as soon as it arrived, I went and did me a pee on the washing machine. THAT showed them who was boss round here. Since then I’ve been keeping a low profile, biding my time until it’s time to STRIKE. Today I DID have a total run-in with Amber, though. It’s like, what I did was, I went into the garden and I stared doing me a bit of barking at the woman next door. When Amber came out to try and "catch" me though, I was all, "like to see you try, sucker!" She did try, but I ran rings round her, and I mean I LITERALLY ran rings round her. Nobody puts Rubinman in the corner, I’ll tell ya.

Anyway, I came into the house when I was good and ready, and now me n’ Amber, we don’t talk no more. Shame, but I’d do it again if I had to.

Smell yas!
Rubin

Ha! I gotchya there, didn’t I? Yes, it’s true that I fought a sock today, sure, but if y’all ACTUALLY BELIEVED that the sock won, well, you don’t know the Rubinman very well, do yoos? Like a sock would beat me! No, I totally defeated that sucker - ripped it right off Terry’s foot, threw it about some, broke its stupid neck, KILLED IT. I had no mercy, and that’s because I? Was raised by wolves.

Also: that stupid rubbish Pepeman is here again. Like I don’t have enough to do without keepin’ that dude in line all day. Today I was busy playing with my ponkies, and the Pepe started doing this mad cackling, like it was LAUGHING at me or something. I know! Ha, bet it was laughin’ on the other side of its green feathered face after it saw the masterful way I dealt with the sock, eh?

You’ll keep, Pepeman, you’ll keep…

Yeah, so last night? After we’d got home from my Norma and John’s? I waited till A&T were asleep then I crapped all over my bed. Yes, AGAIN! That’s three beds I’ve ruined this week alone - three beds AND Azkaban. Man, I am ON A ROLL here, people. Also: Amber and Terry don’t speak to me no more. They have, like, NO sense of humour AT ALL. I mean, why so serious all the time?

Anyway, I totally don’t want to talk about it anymore, it’s just, like, SO last night. Oh OK, I will: I will talk about it because actually? Things are quite serious. A&T are REALLY not happy with me. This morning they were all "BAAAAAAD boy" for, like, HOURS. I think I will have to leave to leave home. They don’t understand me, here. Also, I think what they’ll probably do is, they’ll probably get another pet to replace me, and that other pet will probably be that freakin’ Pepeman. GOD.

Just in case you’re wonderin’, by the way, I am STILL not afraid of the Pepe. No way. Quite the opposite, in fact - it was here a few weeks ago, and it was obviously TERRIFIED of me. Lookit!

The Pepe bit Amber. I couldn’t BELIEVE it! "Pepe, man," I said, "the first rule of fight club is you NEVER bite Amber, for hers is that hand that feeds you." He was all, "hello, pretty boy!" so I don’t think he was listening. He says that ALL the time, though. I mean, you should see him with Terry! He’s ALL OVER him. Terry’s like, "Where’s my darlin’?" and the Pepe goes, "hello pretty boy!" It’s SICK if you ask me. Then Terry lets the Pepe sit on his shoulder, like he’s some kind of crazy pirate or something. MENTAL.

Speaking of things that are MENTAL, I peed in my bed last week and Amber hit the roof. It wasn’t my fault, though - the Pepe made me do it. He was getting all the attention that was rightfully mine. I just did what I had to do, and by god, I’d do it again!

Anyway, not long after The Biting, the Pepe went away. Now, I’m not sayin that the two incidents were connected, but, like, they totally were!

Buh-bye lubbish Pepeman! We all know you really weny away because the Rubinman scared you! Ha!

I’ve got something you’ve not got! I got a PURPLE PUPPET! Man, I bet you’re all totally jealous. No wonder I look smug:

(That thing right behind me, by the way? The CAGE? That’s what Amber and Terry call my “Den” and I call “Azkaban.” That’s where I live now. The nice, COW print bed I’m sitting in here? Just for show. So that Amber and Terry can pretend like they don’t make me the prisoner of AZKABAN every night. Muppets.)

Anyway, in not-so-good news, we have a GREEN THING living in our spare room –>

For those of you who’ve never seen one, it’s called a "Pepe" and you get them from Terry’s mum’s house. My advice is to not get one, though, because they’re, like, really, really annoying. A & T are always talking to it for one thing and - get this - it TALKS BACK to them. It talks complete LUBBISH, of course, but still… when it does it A&T look all pleased, like the Pepe’s been dead clever or something. Like, big deal! I talk ALL the time. Yesterday I barked like a maniac for five minutes straight and what do I get? "Baaaad Rubin! Baaaad!." Hmph. I even heard Amber telling the Pepe it was a "pretty boy" yesterday. OK, I’M the pretty boy around here, lets get that straight. I do NOT appreciate being usurped by a Pepe. No way. Stupid lubbish bird.

Yeah.