Well, I was right: they done sent me to Las Vegas, folks.

The thing about that, though? They sent Almeida with me.

Now, for those of yoos who don’t know, this is Almeida (named after the great Tony Almeida, no less.):

Now, I know what yoos are thinkin’. He’s a big boy, is Almeida. He’s, like, almost as big as ME (note: NO ONE is ACTUALLY as big as me, though). That’s why me n’ Almeida are special friends, if you get my drift, and that’s also why when we pulled up at Las Vegas (which, seriously, is only about 20 minutes from my house, which just goes to show that it REALLY IS a small world after all, people), I was all, “OMG, they’ve booked me n’ Almeida into a hotel for the weekend!” And they had.

I mean, it wasn’t that great, to be honest. Like I said, I’ve been there before, and I totally don’t rate the Las Vegas, I really don’t. This time round I thought I’d picked up some tips from Amber and Terry, so when the guy came round with my dinner I was all, “I’ll have the Grande Buffet, thanks, and so will my man Almeida. Anythin’ he doesn’t eat, the Rubinman’ll take care of, you get me?” But I don’t know why I even bothered because, it was like, they still brought me DOG FOOD?

Anyway, after two nights, my Norma and John turned up and took me home with them and I was like, THANK GOD FOR THAT, MAN. I get treated WAY better at my Norma and John’s house than I do at home, and I get away with more stuff, too. This one time? I snuck under my John’s chair and did me a pee, and - get this: THEY WERE LOOKIN’ RIGHT AT ME WHEN I DID IT! I, like pretended I was just goin’ for a lie down, but really I was doin’ me a pee, and man, how me n’ Almeida laughed after THAT, I’ll tell you!

Anyways, so two weeks go by and suddenly A & T turn up, all santanned and stuff, and - get this - they’re STILL talkin’ about that stupid wedding, which was crazy really because, it’s like, they can keep on talking about, but it still won’t make it interesting, you know what I mean? So, they take me home, and I’m all, “This sucks, I want to go and live with my Norma and John again, they got better sweeties,” but then A & T give me my presents that they brought me back from their “honeymoon” and it’s all OK again because lookit what it is! It’s a blue camel, dudes - a BAMEL! Have YOU got a BAMEL in your life? Didn’t think so.

(They also brought me back something else, but it’s like, I’m still too angry to speak about it, so that’ll haveta wait for another day. Smell yas!)

Rubin.

Now, I don’t want yoos all to get too jealous here, but it’s like, I think I might be goin’ to Las Vegas again. I’m not that bothered about it. I mean, I’ve been before, and let me tell you, it’s not all that great, Las Vegas. Last time I went was, like, totally WEIRD. Amber and Terry were goin’ and so were my Norma and John, so I was like, "OK, cool, goin’ to Las Vegas," so I packed up my ponkies, we all get in the "car", and then what happened was, we drove to this place that was totally like a DOG KENNEL, and I mean, TOTALLY. There’s no Elvis, there’s no slot machines, there’s NUTHIN there. And I was like, "This Vegas totally sucks," and I didn’t even see Amber and Terry all week, so it’s like, their kennel must’ve been on another part of The Strip?

When they eventually turned up they were all, "Blah blah slot machines, blah blah Grand Canyon, blah blah all-you-can-eat-buffet-at-The-Bellagio" and I was like, "EH? Weren’t no SLOT MACHINES on my part of the strip, no siree. And ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFETS?! I was eatin’ DOG FOOD every night. EVERY NIGHT, people. And it wasn’t all I could eat either - not even close. I mean, this is the Rubinman, I once ate seven cats, y’know? So, it’s like, I know people totally rave about the Las Vegas, and don’t get me wrong, it was OK, but it’s like, it wasn’t GREAT, you know what I mean?

So, anyways, last week Amber and Terry are talkin’ about their freakin’ WEDDING AGAIN. (GOD, when will they shut up about that already? I mean, it’s not like there’s even anything good happening at it. They got no ponkies, no wolves, NOTHIN) and suddenly Terry’s all, "Oh, and we’ll need to book Rubin into Las Vegas again" and I was like: ?????????????!!!!

I think I’m only going for two nights this time while they’re having their stupid "wedding", then I’m staying with my Norma and John but even so, it’s like, long way to go for TWO NIGHTS, no? And all I can say is, they better have booked me a better hotel this time. Like, one with an all you can eat buffet and stuff. Yeah, they better do that or I will NOT be happy, and trust me, they will NOT LIKE IT if the Rubinman’s not happy…

NOT happy…

I got a PINK DONKEY. A PONKY!

Actually, I’m going to just come clean: I got TWO ponkies, and the reason I got two ponkies was that the first one… well, the first one was an IMPOSTOR Ponky. For real.

I blame myself. My Norma had gone to "Ikea" with A&T, and she brought back this dude:

Now, I admit it, I got carried away. There was a rush to judgement. Soon as I seen it: pink, big ears, smilin’, I was just like, "Oh man, a PONKY!" I couldn’t BELIEVE it, and, well, basically I was right not to believe it, because it wasn’t a freakin ponky at all - it was a RABBIT.

Yeah, yeah, I know what y’all are thinkin. Yoos are all, "easy mistake to make, Rubinman - I mean, who HASN’T seen a rabbit and thought it was a donkey?" Well, sure, YOU LOT could easily make the mistake, but for a professional like myself to confuse a rabbit with a PONKY - well, that’s just shameful.

I mean, it’s not the Ponky’s rabbit’s fault. By the time I realised he was Not a Ponky, I’d been throwin that dude all over the place, chasin him, playing with him - me n’ him were like THAT. So I decided to keep him, and everything was cool, and then today… today Terry gets in his "car" and drives away, and the next thing I know, he’s back with THIS:

Now, THAT’s a Ponky for ya. That there is a REAL Ponky. If ever you need to know whether you got yourself a PONKY or a rabbit, you just check out this here picture and that’ll tell you for sure. (And don’t say I’m not good to you. Where else could you get free advice on Ponky-spotting? Only from the Rubinman…) I couldn’t BELIEVE it! I mean, on Friday I had NO PONKIES and now I have TWO! I bet there’s not a single one of you can say that. Obviously Terry had been Ponky-hunting. Who woulda thunk it? I had no idea he even knew where to find a ponky. Hee! I totally rule. Me an m’ponkies.

Don’t even LOOK at my ponkies. They’re MY ponkies. Rubinman does not share!

Ha!

Didn’t think you’d see ME again, did you? Ha! Y’all thought the Rubinman was finished. That you’d never see his like again. Well, think again, people! The Rubinman is back, better than ever before, and he is calling his followers to him. Ho yes.

So, did ya miss me? You better have missed me or I’ll come and bite you on the bum, every last one of you. I have SO much to tell you. It’s, like, so much happened while I was away, but at the same time, nuthin’ happened. You dig? (Heh, I certainly do ;))

Anyway, the most significant thing that happened was that my Norma and John went flying through the sky to that "Yew Ess Ay" place they’re always goin’ to. Now, I don’t know what this Yew Ess Ay is, but I think it’s like, a big mall or something? Because, like, when they come back from there, they always bring me MILLIONS of stuff.

This time round they brought me a HAIRY BONE from the Yew Ess Ay. Let me show you what happens to Hairy Bones around here:

Amber gives me Hairy Bone. Note damage sustained during a previous round of "Rubin v. Hairy Bone"

The battle commences.
Is it just me, or does my head look big in this?

I, like, totally wipe the floor with him.
Note: it was Amber that ACTUALLY had to wipe the floor. The Rubinman is no one’s slave.

Yup, I showed that sucker. Rawr!

Anyway, don’t tell my Norma and John this, because I think they want to surprise me and stuff, but I think they bought me a CAR, too. Reasons for me thinking this: I heard them all talking, and Amber was like, "What kind of car did you get?" and John was like, "Chevy Impala" and Amber was like, "cool", and I was like: O-O

I mean, I can’t BELIEVE they bought me a car. Actually, scratch that: I can totally believe they bought me a car. I just can’t believe no one thought of it before now. I wonder when I’ll get it. Man, I’ll totally rock in that there car. I’ll be, like, too cool for school and stuff.

Anyway, yeah. I’ll be updating this thing a LOT now, so y’all better keep checking back to read me. Remember what happened to Hairy Bone…

Ciao for now,
Rubin