I’m in disgrace. Again. No one’s talking to me. They’re still feeding me (feeding me DOGFOOD) and taking me walks and stuff, but there’s definitely an "atmosphere". It all seems to be stemming from The Cushions.

Last Saturday we went round to see my Norma and John, and Norma had growed two cushions. Amber decided to bring them home with us, and they’ve been living on the couch ever since. Amber kept looking at them and touching them and stuff, so naturally I took agin the pair of them.

Well. On Monday night, I go down the stairs and I see The Cushions. Well, I don’t need to tell you what happened. I was only down there on my own for a few minutes, but by the time They came down I had:

1) pulled one of the cushions off the couch
2) peed on it
3) Jumped onto the couch - the CREAM couch- with my muddy paws
4) left mud all over it
5) been out to the garden and collected more mud
6) brought it back into the house with me
7) put it all over the CUSHIONS

Amber went MENTAL. So did Terry, but he’s always mental. I got put in the Sin Bin for ten minutes. When I came out though, I bided my time then when they were out of the room I went and peed against the guitar that lives under the stairs. Amber didn’t find out until the next morning, and by then she hadn’t caught me in the act, so she couldn’t give me a row. Hee!

The next day I dug me a hole. It’s my best ever hole, I’m really quite proud off it. It’s a hole in the LAWN rather than in the dirt. GO me! Then I took Terry’s pen and burried it in the hole. They didn’t find it until the next day. How I laughed! That night I secretly peed against the guitar again. Sometimes I amaze even myself…

I don’t know, sometimes it’s like a dog can’t do nothin’ right, you know? It’s like: I pee on the washing machine, and that’s WRONG. So I pee against the side of the couch, and THAT’S wrong too. So I pee against the freezer and, guess what? Also WRONG. I mean, what’s a Rubinman to do?

Well, I’ll tell ya what a Rubinman did. I peed INSIDE TERRY’S BIN, that’s what I did. Ha! And, it’s like, I know yoos are probably all, "OMG! How did he do it?" but seriously dudes, it wasn’t even that hard - not to a cunning fox wolf like me, anyways.

So, I’m sleeping in the "spare room" these days, right? And in the "spare room" is Terry’s bin. Now, it was so simple I totally don’t know how come I didn’t think of it before, because, it’s like, yesterday morning I wakes up (early, like always. So’s I can do a bit of barking before They get up) and that bin is sittin’ there right in front of me, and suddenly it just hits me: "I’m totally going to pee in you," I thought. So I did. Terry’s bin is like, made of wire, so alls I had to do was lift my leg against it and voila! (That’s "French", by the way, and it means "the pee totally landed in the bin". And, OK, some of it landed on the floor, too, but it’s the thought that counts, you know?)

Anyways, so I do that and then I hear Amber gettin’ up, and the next thing I know, she’s opened the door of the "spare room" and she’s totally standin there with this look on her face, like there’s a bad smell under her nose or somethin. And actually, there IS a bad smell under her nose, because she’s, like, standin right next to Terry’s BIN, and that thing, it don’t smell too good now, you know?

Amber does the whole "BAAAAAD!" thing with me, then she goes to Terry and she’s all, "Rubin peed in your bin," and then Terry’s like, "WHAT?!" and I first I thought he was impressed, but as it turns out, not so much because then HE does the "BAAAAD!" thing as well, and then all day they keep mentioning that bin. And it actually started to get on my nerves, to be honest, so tonight after dinner, what I did was, I peed against the side of the freezer again.

TOTAL overreaction from the pair of them, as usual, but especially from Terry, who was all upset because, it’s like, the freezer is right next to the back door? And the back door was open at the time? But I was like, SO WHAT? It was raining, and when was the last time Terry went out and peed in the back garden in the rain? Well EXACTLY.

I better be gettin somethin good for my "Christmas" is alls I can say, because they’re getting beyond a joke, they really are. It’s like, they better get me a CAR or somethin to make up for it. Then I can pee in that as well.

Rubin

Dear Britney Spears,

S’up? Rubinman here - yes, THE Rubinman!!! How’re ya? So, I am writing this “letter” because I saw yoos on the “teevee” yesterday, and everyone was all, “GOD, lookit Britney, you can totally see her pants, and also, SHE IS NOT WEARING NO PANTS!!” Well, anyways, I noticed you were getting, like, a really hard time, so I thought I’d just let you know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE, Britney. No, in fact, I myself got caught in a few “crotch shots” over the Christmas period, so, it’s like, here they are:

Yeah, so I’m a bit blurred in this one, but it’s OK ‘cos, it’s like, I can totally get away with it, ya know what I mean, Brit? Me’n Paris had been out drinkin, and we were totally WRECKED, but, it’s like, that doesn’t make me a bad Bichon, y’know?

Yeah, here I am, legs “akimbo”. SO?!?!

Yes, that IS a Santa suit I’m wearin’… I would let you borrow it, but, it’s like, the Rubinman DOES NOT SHARE. What you totally CAN borrow, though, if you want, is my Yoda suit , only don’t you tell anyone it was me that gave you it, okay, because that is SO not cool…

So, as you can see, Britney, the “crotch shot” can happen to any of us - even me. I know! And all them people that have been sayin’ bad words about you, Britney, they are just JEALOUS so don’t you bother about them. The Rubinman knows how to handle those people, and don’t you forget it. Also, while I’m here, you probably noticed that it was “Christmas” yesterday (Well, maybe you didn’t, Britney. I dunno if you were a “good girl” or not, and if you weren’t, it’s like, Santa wouldn’t have visited you, you know?) and so you’re probably all “OMG, I wonder what the Rubinman got from Santa?!” Well, ponder on, Britney, because I’m totally going to keep you in suspense until tomorrow, or maybe the day after, depends how “busy” I am.

Smell ya later, Brit!
from
RUBIN