I had been stalking the water bottle for some time. Watching. Waiting. Every time she put it down, I’d be there. I learned its routines, studied its weaknesses. I knew it would take time, but I had time.  And so I waited. I, the hunter; it, the totally hunted. I knew the time would come when I would pounce on that water bottle and take it back to my lair, where I would proceed to tear it apart in the most brutal way possible.

Today was that day. I saw my opportunity, and I took it:

Then I runned away and hid:

Don’t think Amber was very pleased, somehow. But still, you know what they say: you can please some of the people some of the time, and the rest are idiots, who shoulda kept a closer watch on their water bottles already.

Smell yas,

RUBIN

I killed the postman yesterday. Don’t listen to what Amber says: that postman? He dead. Seriously, dudes, he may not have died on the spot, but I could tell by the terrified look in his eyes that as soon as he staggered home he woulda just dropped down dead. There’ll be no more poking bits of paper through the Rubinman’s door, that’s for sure. Not on my watch.

I mean, I didn’t plan to kill the postman. I was just, like, out enjoying my walk, as you do, when The Enemy came into view. Well, I seen my chance, I took it. It’s what we wolves do. You can’t blame a dude for followin his primal instinct.

So,one Enemy down, a few thousand to go. I’ll be waiting for yoos, postmen… Come and geeeeet me!

Heh. Just when I thought it was safe to go back into the garden, he’s back - The Fat Kid From Next Door (TFKFND). And this time he has a Fat Friend…

I couldn’t believe it. Hadn’t seen him for ages, but there I was, finishing off my dinner in the kitchen, when I hear all this screaming coming from Next Door. Being the guard dog that I am, I went to investigate of course, and there they were. Back. Now, I wasn’t looking for trouble here. I was annoyed, yes, but I just gave a couple of quick warning barks, just to let them know that a dangerous WOLF was on the scene. Well. They retaliated.

I think the presence of the Fat Friend must’ve made TFK brave. He started shouting at me, and clapping his hands to try and scare me away. (I know - he was trying to scare me, the Rubinman. Like, good luck with that pal - you obviously haven’t heard the story of Rubin and the Bad Man). Then he started hitting the fence, cheered on by the other one. They were both carrying guns. Well, that was it - that just made me MAD.

Of course, what they hadn’t realised was that Amber had been watching all of this, and when they started with the fence she came out to glare at them. I was expecting them to shut up at that, but no - Fat Friend decided to give Amber "attitude." He walked over to where she was standing and started making faces at her through the fence, while TFK watched him. What the porky pals hadn’t realised though was that while they were busy making prats of themselves to Amber, the Rubinman had cunningly snuck under the bushes next to where they were standing - as cunning as a FOX. I waited there silently until I was sure they hadn’t seen me. Then I let out the BIGGEST bark of my career.

Hee! The Fat Friend nearly peed his pants he got such a fright! He actually stumbled backwards - then TFK started taking the crap out of him for being scared of me, so I barked again, and they BOTH jumped! Hee! Then Amber and I came back into the house and laughed our asses off. It was really quite satisfying, and it got me back into Amber’s good books again - I had fallen out of favour earlier that day because just before she made me my dinner I had sneaked up to the bathroom and peed up against a white towel that was hanging there. Well, who hasn’t done that?

Anyway, I certainly taught them a lesson. They won’t be back in a hurry, that’s for sure.

So, by now Amber has probably been totally whinin’ it up over at her blawg, all, "OMG, Rubin totally vomited all over his bed and we had to buy him a new one, oh poor us, having to clean up all the vomit." I mean, am I right?

Well, here’s the truth of the matter: I just wanted a new bed. And I got one, too. Alls I had to do was, like, totally regurgitate my dinner all over my old bed. It was, like, totally amazing, I mean, I wish you coulda seen it. Because, it’s like, it kind of surprised even me, you know? One minute I was having me a bit of a lie down after dinner, next minutes I’m staring that SAME DINNER in the face ALL OVER AGAIN.

Well, it didn’t take me long to realise that I was onto a winner with this one. I was all, "If I can keep on doin this, I can totally keep on eating my dinner OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Like, I could eat my dinner all day? This will give you just a small idea of how totally clever I am, but trust Killjoy Terry to put a stop to all the fun. He was all, "No, Rubin, you can’t eat your own vomit," and then he cleaned it all up and everything, so what I did was, I threw up again, only this time I did it on one of their cushions. Then I did It AGAIN, but - and this was a total masterstroke - I did it ON THEIR BED. Hee! God, it was hilarious, you should have seen Amber’s face!

After that I didn’t feel too good. I think I might have overstretched myself, you know? So I bided my time, and sure enough, next thing I know, it’s the next day, and we’re down at Pets at Home, pickin’me up a new bed. Of course, I went for the most totally outrageous bed in the shop: it’s like, all red leather, and its got this white furry cushion on it. It’s a real KINGLY bed, you know? Like, a bachelor pad bed? A kinda "Come back to my place and see my Goodboys kinda bed". This is it:

They’re calling it a "belated burfday present" - I call it "yet another triumph of Rubinman over Humans). Also: because it’s red, it matches my RED COAT. That, you know, I don’t even WEAR, obviously, on account of me bein’ a WOLF. Rarrr.

Anyway, they gives me the bed, and I has a bit of a think to myself, and I was like, "I think I’m going to mix things up a bit here, see if I can’t set me a new kinda record or somethin." So what I did was, I waited until it was, like, WAY early in the morning, then I crapped all over that stupid bed of mine. Hee! So, I totally got me my record: that bed had only been in our house for a matter of hours -HOURS, I tells ya- and I had already totally crapped on it, and it had ALREADY been washed and everything. Now I don’t got no red leather bed, because I’ve got to wait for the furry cushion thing to dry, but it’s like, it’s OK, because there’ll be somthin else I can pee on tonight. Like, probably the washing machine, or somethin.

Smell yas,
Rubin   

Yeah, so nothing much happening this week, saved Amber’s life on Sunday, but seriously, all in a day’s work for the Rubinman, so not even worth talkin’ about really…

OK, I’ll talk about it, because actually, it might be a lesson to all of yoos who think it might be a good idea to mess with the Rubinman, because, let me tell you, you do NOT mess with the Rubinman.  So, anyways, Sunday afternoon I take Amber for a walk, and we go for our walk in the woods behind the house because, it’s like, being part wolf and all, I’m totally comfortable in them woods, y’know? Anyway, I’m sniffing prowlin’ around like a mad thing, here a pee, there a pee, everywhere a pee pee, and next thing I know, this BAD MAN has jumped out of the wood, and he’s, like, totally threatening to kill Amber.

Well, I did what any wolf would have done in the circumstances: I started barkin’ like a maniac, totally threatening the guy and basically letting him know that the Rubinman was on the scene now, and that if there was any killin’ to be done, it would be the Rubinman that would be doin’ it. I would totally have bit his face off, and actually, I nearly did, but I could see Amber was scared, so I decided to get her out of there. And anyway, my barking frightened the dude so much that he up and ran away like a sissy girl. Hee! Rubinman to the rescue!

Later, the “poleece” came to interview me, and, I suspect, just to get a look at me. It’s not everyday you get to see a HERO, you know. I had been out digging me a hole and I was DIRRRTY. I was totally the SMELL too – really, really smelly - but the “poleece” was, like, totally awed by me, I could tell. He’ll probably dine out on the story for years.

I sat on Amber’s knee while she was talking to him cos I knew he would appreciate me being there – he could learn a lot from me. He said to Amber, “You’re just lucky your wolf was with you at the time. If it wasn’t for the quick thinking of young Rubin here, well, none of us would be here today.” It’s true, you know, and Amber knew it. When the “poleece” left, she gave me a JUMBONE and even Terry kept going on about how BRAVE I was. “Like a lion,” Terry said – I bet he’ll think twice about giving me a row for peeing in the house in the future.

I think the “poleece” are probably going to ask me to join the force. I won’t go though – it’s obvious how much my Amber and Terry rely on me just now, I mean they can’t look after themselves at ALL. I’ve got, like, all the responsibility for looking after them resting on my furry shoulders now – it’s just a good job I’m WOLF really, I mean, I don’t think many dogs would be as brave as me…

Smell yas!

Rubin

Yeah, so this is NOT the Rubinman… I know y’all come here specifically to see the Rubinman, but, it’s like, he ain’t here. The Rubinman doesn’t dress up in stupid sissy Yoda clothes, no way man. No, this is… this is a WOLF speaking on his behalf. Yeah, a wolf. A wolf in Rubinman’s clothing. No, wait, NOT in Rubinman’s clothing – the Rubinman doesn’t HAVE clothing like this. Stupid ass wolf.

Anyway, Rubin would just like it to be known that if Amber and Terry ever DID buy a Yoda suit, and if they ever made Rubin WEAR that there Yoda suit, Rubin would bite both their bums. And also: if any of yoos are laughin’ at me him right now, he will bit all your bums too, every last of them, and don’t even think he wont.

Rubin A Wolf

Ha! I gotchya there, didn’t I? Yes, it’s true that I fought a sock today, sure, but if y’all ACTUALLY BELIEVED that the sock won, well, you don’t know the Rubinman very well, do yoos? Like a sock would beat me! No, I totally defeated that sucker - ripped it right off Terry’s foot, threw it about some, broke its stupid neck, KILLED IT. I had no mercy, and that’s because I? Was raised by wolves.

Also: that stupid rubbish Pepeman is here again. Like I don’t have enough to do without keepin’ that dude in line all day. Today I was busy playing with my ponkies, and the Pepe started doing this mad cackling, like it was LAUGHING at me or something. I know! Ha, bet it was laughin’ on the other side of its green feathered face after it saw the masterful way I dealt with the sock, eh?

You’ll keep, Pepeman, you’ll keep…