Basically, I’ve been barking like a madman EVERY SINGLE morning. I start about half an hour before A&T normally get up, and I WILL NOT STOP until they haul ass out of bed and come and play with me. It’s driving them absolutely CRAZY. If they try and get up earlier, in an effort to thwart me, I just work out what the new time is and start barking half an hour before THAT. The way things are going, they’d need to get up at 5.30am to beat me just now. Hee!

The thing is - they CAN’T ignore me. I mean, they’ve TRIED - don’t think they haven’t. But it’s like, would YOU be able to ignore the scary wolf that was barkin at YOUR door? Remember what happened to Little Red Riding Hood’s ol grandma before yoos answer that one…

I particularly like doing it on a Saturday morning, when Amber’s been working all week and is thinking she can get to sleep late. "Aaaamblller!" I shout. "Teeeerrreee! Doggie crap in here for you to clean up! Come and geeeet it while it’s hot!" Then they come thundering down the stairs, all bleary-eyed and wild-haired to scold me, and I’m like, "What? Me? Barking? No, I wasn’t barking. Are you sure you’re feeling OK? It’s just, you’re looking a bit tired. Maybe you should try and get some more sleep?" Hee!

That stupid rubbish bird is back again. I mean, it’s like, what’s a wolf got to do to get some peace round here? Last time it came I totally scared it witless, of course, so this time what dsoes it do? It brings "backup", that’s what.  Yeah, it’s gotta accomplice. The accomplice is this "tortoise" and man, but it is ARMED. It’s like, totally covered in armour, it’s THAT scared of me! Hee! And, like, when it sees me? It goes and hides inside its armour. Stupid rubbish tortoise. Not feeling so brave now, Pepeman, are you? Ha! Lookit the terror on its face in this picture. I’ve, like, climbed up its basket and it’s all, "No, Rubinman, don’t hurt me!"

Obviously, as soon as it arrived, I went and did me a pee on the washing machine. THAT showed them who was boss round here. Since then I’ve been keeping a low profile, biding my time until it’s time to STRIKE. Today I DID have a total run-in with Amber, though. It’s like, what I did was, I went into the garden and I stared doing me a bit of barking at the woman next door. When Amber came out to try and "catch" me though, I was all, "like to see you try, sucker!" She did try, but I ran rings round her, and I mean I LITERALLY ran rings round her. Nobody puts Rubinman in the corner, I’ll tell ya.

Anyway, I came into the house when I was good and ready, and now me n’ Amber, we don’t talk no more. Shame, but I’d do it again if I had to.

Smell yas!
Rubin

Oh man, wait till I tell you what I did last night! You will be, like, SO impressed!

So, as y’all know, because they are as mad as fish, Amber and Terry like to confine me to Azkaban of an evening. Well, Sting and Bob Geldof never did turn up to FREE ME, so for months now I have been forumulating a plan - a plan that I cunningly put into action last night.

Last night, you see, was "windy", and I don’t mean in the "OMG, Rubinman, have you farted again?" kind of way. No, it, was, like, a STORM, and as I sat there, deep within the confines of AZKABAN, listening to the wind howl around the house, I knew that my time had come. It was time for the Rubinman to be free, and to take his rightful place in the BIG BED - Amber and Terry’s basket, upstairs.

Well, I started barking. Every time the wind howled, the Rubinman howled with it. I barked and I barked until I was actually starting to annoy even myself. I knew it would be worth it, though. I knew it would get a reaction, and, sure enough, after not very long, Terry showed up. Man, he was MAD. He was, like, totally shouting and saying BAD WORDS at me like a crazymad thing, so what I did was, I shut up until he was on his way back to his basket, and then I started it up again. And again. And again. God, it was the best performance of my life. Terry was getting madder by the moment, but I knew that within twenty minutes I’d be upstairs and I’d be in that there BIG BED right along with Them.

I gave myself thirty minutes to break him. It only took about ten. Before I knew what was happening, I was upstairs. He had brung my bed with him, but, like I was going to sleep on the floor! No way, man. I just waited until he lay down, then I jumped out and ran round the bedroom like a madman, popping my head up every now and then - POP!

Within minutes, I had achieved my goal. I was picked up and allowed to sleep in the BIG BED, and, it’s like, that’s where I’ll be sleeping from now on, dudes. I just need to work out how to get A&T out of the way - let them sleep in Azkaban from now on, see how they like it.

Anyway, enough of this. Before I go, though, I just want to clear something up. Quite a lot of yoos have been askin’ me lately if I really write the blawg myself. Yoos are all, "You’re a dog, dude, you can’t type, I bet Amber writes it for you!" Well, yoos are WRONG. This here blawg is all my own work, and to prove it, here is a picture of me "blogging". As you can see, got me a GREAT BIG keyboard, so’s I can type. SO THERE.

Smell yas, dudes!
Rubin